As children we can’t wait to get out of the clutches of our parents, we try and try until finally we reach an age where we can!

My parents split before I was old enough to know any better, there were other important father figures along the way, but to me, my mom was everything.

At 15, when she decided to stop being a mother, I had a variety of feelings ranging from every end of the emotional spectrum and ultimately – I’m not going to lie – I had a handful of years where I “didn’t care” and was just fine with handling life on my own.

I had stopped talking to my mother entirely when I was almost 18. I did this because, for reason’s I didn’t understand at the time, I was unable to so much as look at her without boiling with rage!

Now, a married woman and mother of 3, she’s all I think about! I often feel stuck. I feel like I’m missing a big part of me. I hold this constant ache for her, for what our relationship “should” have been, and what my life might have been if she had stuck around and given me a normal childhood.

I envy the separation my sister has been able to create. She doesn’t seem at all fazed by our mother not being a part of her life. She has other people now; her foster family, her Dad, her grandparents, her friends that she grew up with. I envy the life and opportunity she was granted simply because she was so much younger when our lives fell apart, but I am happy for her. I am so glad that she landed in a good place and is now living a life of no regrets, no wonder of what could have been. She is enjoying her life knowing she is loved and never alone.

Being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and often, I feel like the world is spinning faster and faster and it’s all I can do to stand upright! I don’t know how to step back and just let go of all the frustrations and stresses that builds over time. I don’t know how to just enjoy my children or my life anymore… I wish I could call my mother when I feel like I’m failing as a parent or as a person!

My mother wasn’t around for any of my pregnancies or births or first time mom crisis’. She wasn’t there when we almost lost our oldest to Kawasaki Disease when she was only 4 months old! She isn’t here to guide me when I feel the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness when my children behave in a way that shocks me!

My fiancé talks with his parents either by phone or via text everyday. He actually has the opportunity to be annoyed at the overabundance of texts at times from his mother. When he is really stressed, feeling overwhelmed with life, needs a safe place to vent or just needs some extra comfort and reassurance through a hard time, his Mom is always just a phone call away.

It is in moments like these – moments of loss and hopelessness and exhaustion – where I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sting of jealousy and selfish need to just yell at my mother for not being the person I need her to be.